Today, I’m giving you an inside look at one of the many tips I share in the Childproof Your Relationship program.
My absolute favorite tip of all time for helping couples feel closer and more connected to one another during the chaotic early parenting years is The Pause. I love The Pause because it is easy to use and highly effective.
I’ve noticed that couples who have been together for some time often fall into the habit of giving one another spontaneous feedback that ranges anywhere from mildly insensitive to downright blunt and tactless. They have grown so comfortable and familiar with one another over the years that they feel free to say things that they would have never uttered when their love was new. I find that this is especially true for couples raising young children, who are often so focused on the ins and outs of child-rearing that they forget, or don’t feel like they have the time and energy, to filter their words.
In an ironic twist, these couples truly believe that they are just being honest with one another and rarely intend for their comments to be hurtful. They further assume that their partner will appreciate their “honesty” and don’t understand when their beloved is offended by their well-intentioned yet insensitive feedback. To make matters worse, the frequency and callousness of these kinds of unfiltered comments tend to increase over time. In yet another ironic twist, they rarely forget to be diplomatic with others and usually make a point to think before they speak so as not to offend someone.
The old adage about sticks and stones breaking bones but words not hurting is complete garbage.
The reality is that your words do matter. Thoughtlessly blurting out words in the name of honesty, especially when it happens over and over again, can touch raw areas and undermine your ability to maintain or regain your emotional closeness with your partner. Words that are thoughtful and caring, on the other hand, have the power to help you and your partner feel closer and more connected.
Instead of sharing the unfiltered version of whatever is going through your head, try using The Pause instead.
Here’s how it works…
STEP 1
Before you speak, pause for a minute and consider what it is you want to say to your partner. This part gets easier the more you do it.
STEP 2
Ask yourself these questions:
1. How might my partner feel or react if I say it like this?
2. Would I say it like this to someone else?
3. Would I want my partner to say it to me like this if the roles were reversed?
STEP 3
If the answer to these questions is “not so good” or “no way,” take another minute to revise what you want to say so that it is gentler. Choose words that show compassion, kindness, and caring for both your partner and your relationship.
Here’s an example of what you might blurt out:
"You know, you aren’t fun like you used to be. Why don’t you ever want to do things together anymore?
Here’s an example of what you could say differently with The Pause:
"Lately, we haven’t been doing things together as often as we used to. I really miss spending time with you. Can we talk about what’s going on and how to deal with it?"
Keep in mind that making a point to say things in a softer, gentler way doesn't mean ignoring problems or compromising your feelings. You and your partner need to be able to give one another open and honest feedback; however, this isn't a license for you to deliver truth with a pointed spear or beat your partner over the head with it.
Give The Pause a try and let me know what you think.
Have more questions? Feel free to contact me here.