The Uncomfortable Truth About Parenthood and What It Can Do To Your Relationship.

I find that one of the greatest ironies in life is that, while mothers and fathers alike rate parenting as one of their greatest joys, the joy of parenting often comes at the expense of one’s relationship with their partner.

Since you are reading this, I’m assuming that you are already well aware that raising children takes a great deal of energy, time, and resolve. You have probably also figured out by now that parenthood has substantially altered the dynamic between you and your partner, and not for the better.

In my work, I often see parents who have become distant and businesslike with each other as they attend to the mundane details of childrearing. In order to keep the family running smoothly, they find themselves talking about who will drop the kids off at daycare and what needs to be picked up from the grocery store instead of sharing family gossip or their thoughts on politics. Questions about one's day have been replaced with questions about when the baby’s diaper was last changed, while flirty texts have been exchanged for messages about the kids and their needs.

Many parents find themselves caught completely off guard by these kinds of relationship changes. Although this is unfortunate, it makes sense when you think about it; no one goes into parenthood thinking that it might sabotage their relationship with their partner. In fact, many couples believe that having children will either bring them closer together or, at the very least, will not significantly change their relationship. This is, however, a complete and total myth.

The unvarnished and unfortunate truth is that Parenthood has a negative impact on partner relationships. I’ve seen this time and time again in my work with clients. But don’t just take my word for it; scholarly research has come to the same conclusion.

In his 2016 book Great Myths of Intimate Relationships: Dating, Sex, and Marriage, Matthew D. Johnson, Ph.D. reviewed about 30 years of research on how having children affects partner relationships. Here are some of the highlights of what he found.

• When Comparing couples with and without children, the rate of the decline in relationship satisfaction is nearly twice as steep for couples who have children than it is for couples who do not have kids. If the couple’s path to parenthood involved an unplanned pregnancy, the negative impact on the parent’s relationship is even greater.

• Despite this well established decrease in relationship satisfaction, parents are less likely to separate or divorce during the early parenting years.

• The relationship dissatisfaction associated with having children is present regardless of marital status, gender orientation or level of income.

• The adverse impact of parenthood is found in other countries, including those with higher rates of non-marital parenting and more generous family policies.

• For female/male couples, mothers continue to bear the heaviest cost of parenthood. After the arrival of children, fathers often start spending more time and energy on outside work while mothers take on an increasing percentage of the child care and household chores. This holds true even when both parents work outside the home and when both partners describe themselves as sharing household responsibilities.

If you’re feeling a bit discouraged after reading all of this, here is another truth that will help put things in perspective; it doesn’t have to be this way. Just because decreases in relationship satisfaction are “normal,” this doesn’t mean you can’t do anything about it. In fact, there is actually quite a bit you can do to prevent parenthood from derailing your relationship with your partner.

For starters, you can learn what you can do to keep your relationship strong during these early parenting years when things are really tough. If you are currently deeply immersed in early parenting, the mere thought of adding anything else to your “to-do” list might feel a bit overwhelming. I completely understand but let me ask you this… what will happen if you don’t make some time to nurture your partner relationship now? Are you really prepared to let your marriage or committed relationship languish for years until the kids are old enough for you to be able to focus on it again? Would you even have a relationship left to salvage at that point? Even though it might be uncomfortable, take some time to seriously consider these questions.

Here’s something else to think about: did you know that taking care of your relationship doesn’t mean that you have to spend inordinate amounts of time focusing on it? Relationships are a bit like gardens; they need regular tending in order to thrive but you don’t have to devote all of your waking time and energy to caring for them. In other words, regularly doing a little bit along the way is enough to make a difference. If you’re not into gardening, cars are another good analogy. Just like your car, your relationship will run a lot better and more smoothly if you do some regular maintenance on it.

So the takeaway message is that, while parenthood can most definitely have a negative impact on your relationship, it’s not too late to do something about it.

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