Want to be a better parent? Nurturing your relationship with your partner can help.

When I work with parents who are struggling in their relationship, I always ask how the kids are coping with the situation. Many of these couples tell me, usually with a sense of palpable relief, that their kids are either doing fine in spite of it all, their kids are too young to understand, and/or their kids have no idea what is going on because they have hidden the problems from them.

My experience has been that parents tend to underestimate the impact their relationship problems are having on their children. This isn’t because they are indifferent or don’t care. In fact, it is often just the opposite.

The overwhelming majority of parents deeply love their children and are horrified by the mere thought that they are acting in ways that could distress or be harmful to their little ones. I’m assuming you are one of these people or you wouldn’t be reading this. 

In an ironic twist, the fact that you love your children and care what happens to them can actually make it harder to acknowledge that your relationship problems are spilling over onto them. If this is how you are feeling, you are definitely not alone. 

You might even be tempted at this point to close this email and move on to the next one in your inbox because 1. You think this doesn’t apply to you, or, 2. The fact that it could apply to you doesn’t feel very good. Before you do that, keep reading to see if the experience of other couples with whom I have worked fits with your experience.

I have found over the years that, when couples are struggling in their relationship, the ways they interact with their children often change in small but meaningful ways. Some of the ways I have seen this happen are:

• You spend less time with the kids

• You hyper-focus on caring for and spending time with the kids

• You are irritable and impatient with them

• You overreact when they don’t listen or misbehave

• You are physically present but are distracted and not giving them your full attention

• You turn to the kids for affection

• You start sleeping in your kid’s room to avoid your partner

The problem is, that kids, even very young ones, are like sponges and absorb what is happening around them. Even if you manage to hide your relationship problems from them or if they are too young to understand exactly what is going on, they can still pick up on when the adults in their lives are tense and unhappy. 

The kids, in turn, often react to the changes in the adult’s behavior with behavior changes of their own. Here are some signs that the kids are feeling the stress:

• Tantrums become more frequent and/or intense

• They are more fussy and clingy

• They seem quieter

• They don’t seek you out as often

• They aren’t eating and/or sleeping as well

• If they are toilet trained, they begin having accidents

• They attempt to comfort you

If this is resonating with you, here are some things to put it all in perspective…

1. First and foremost, don’t beat yourself up. No parent is perfect, and all parents make choices they regret from time to time. Give yourself permission to be a perfectly imperfect parent.

2. Good parenting involves taking responsibility for your actions, even when it’s hard. While it is possible that the changes in your kids’ behavior could be happening for reasons other than or in addition to the tension between you and your partner, don’t discount this as the possible source just because it makes you uncomfortable. If you and your partner are having problems and you are seeing these kinds of behaviors in your kids, the odds are that these things are related.

3. It’s not too late to do something about it. Kids are pretty darn resilient and, if you take steps to address your partner's relationship problems, it is highly likely that they will not experience any long-lasting negative effects.

So today’s takeaway is that nurturing your relationship with your partner is an often overlooked but very important piece of the parenting puzzle.