Here’s Why I’m Not a Fan of the 5 Love Languages

Although there are literally hundreds of relationship self-help resources out there, The Five Love Languages (TFLL) by Gary Chapman is the one that couples I’ve worked with keep referring to over and over again. I suppose this isn’t terribly surprising given that TFLL has sold over 20 million copies since it was first published in 1992 and has become explosively popular in the past 10 years.

Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you’re probably already familiar with the basic premise of The Five Love Languages but here’s a recap just in case…

Chapman writes that there are 5 main love languages: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch. He contends that everyone has one primary love language, and the way we show our partner love may not be the way they want to receive love. 

According to Chapman, the pathway to a more fulfilling relationship involves learning our partner’s love language and then expressing our love for them in that particular way.

One of my biggest problems with TFLL actually has nothing to do with the theory itself but with people’s understanding of it. While I am not a big fan for reasons I’ll get to in a minute, I do believe that the underlying premise of TFLL is worthwhile. Its biggest strength hands-down is that it encourages people to step outside of themselves and focus on their partner’s needs and wants. This is an important part of any successful relationship and should absolutely be included in any theory or program designed to strengthen partner relationships. The problem is that, for whatever reason, many people completely miss the point of TFLL. 

These days, people casually share their self-identified love language as a kind of shorthand to let others know how they behave in a relationship, just as they might share their astrological sign, Myers-Briggs type, or enneagram type to inform others about their personal qualities and characteristics. This self-focused way of discussing love languages is actually quite different from what Chapman intended: the love language you are meant to focus on is your partner’s, not your own. While it is certainly good to know your own love language and to communicate to your partner what does and doesn’t make you feel appreciated, the entire point of the book is to help people learn to be attentive to what makes their partner feel loved and then adjust how they express their love accordingly. I find that people often miss this point and instead focus on investing effort into getting their partner to “speak” their preferred love language.

My biggest beef with The Five Love Languages itself is that it is a grossly oversimplified approach to achieving relationship success. Here’s why…

#1

It’s all well and good to know how your partner wants you to show your love but people are so much more complex than that.

Relationship expert Julie Gottman did a great job of summing up this complexity when she said “How well do you know your partner’s internal world? How well do you know what their needs are? Their values, their preferences, their childhood experiences, their history, and other relationships, what their current stresses are? What their hopes and aspirations are? How well do you know the person that you’re relating to—how well do you really know them, all the way down?” The point here is that if we don’t“know” our partner on a deeper level, all of the quality time or words of affirmation in the world won’t be enough to create a real sense of closeness and connection.

#2

Showing love is only one of several skills needed to build a successful relationship.

These include sharing our wants and needs in appropriate ways, listening (really listening) to our partners, resolving and managing conflicts, and repairing damage when it occurs just to name a few.

On a separate but related note… The Five Love Languages are not a cure for all, or even most, relationship problems. Recognizing your partner’s primary love language and showing your love for them in that way will not be enough in and of itself to help a couple recover from infidelity, navigate becoming a blended family, manage major differences in how they handle finances, and so on.

The idea that people express and receive love in only one way, or possibly two, also rankles me a bit. The significance of a particular expression of love can vary depending on the context. For example, there may be times when an act of service or word of affirmation might be very meaningful even if these are not someone’s primary love language. Or there might be times when ”gifts” people feel disappointed by their partner’s well-intentioned gesture. TFLL can also create tunnel vision if Partners begin to express affection in only one way, regardless of context, or recognize only one kind of action as an act of love.

#3

I believe that The Five Love Languages does not adequately take into account the experience or perspective of the partner who is expressing their love.

While I agree that it is worthwhile to pay attention to what works for your partner and then show them your love in that particular way, TFLL essentially ignores the role of the partner on the receiving end. More specifically, it does not encourage the partner on the receiving end to recognize and somehow acknowledge their partner’s efforts if love is being offered to them in a way other than their primary love language. 

This strikes me as a problem given that (1) relationships are a two-way street and (2) consistency is realistic while perfection is not. In addition, our partner’s preferred love language might not be compatible with our own personal characteristics or issues. For example, a woman with PTSD from sexual trauma might have a very difficult time showing her partner love if his primary love language is physical touch.

So here’s my overall take on The Five Love Languages…

I appreciate its emphasis on looking outside of one’s self and adapting behavior accordingly; however, I basically consider it to be a one-trick pony. it takes more than just showing your partner love in their preferred love language to create a successful, satisfying partner relationship, especially while raising young children. If seen for what it is, TFLL can help couples feel closer in some ways but it is too simplistic to lead to long-term relationship success.

If you’re ready to create a thriving partner relationship in a way that’s NOT all about love languages, I can help.

The Childproof Your Relationship program is most definitely not a one-trick pony. The method I developed for the CYR program uses a comprehensive set of strategies to help you and your partner clarify the importance of your relationship create a better balance between parenting and partnering and consistently connect with one another in meaningful ways.

I’ve successfully used this method many times over the years to guide couples through this process; now I would love to do the same for you and your partner.

You’ll have weekly lessons and assignments, a weekly live call with me, and unlimited email support throughout the five-week program.

It’s all designed to give you the tools and support you need to create a thriving partner relationship while raising young children.