Part of my method for helping couples create a thriving partner relationship while raising young children involves giving them tools they can use to connect with one another in meaningful ways. The giving and receiving of pleasure, whether through sex or other intimate activities, is an important part of this process. 

When I ask couples to name their partners’ sexual turn-ons and turn-offs, most people can identify one or two but then struggle to come up with any more. I then ask them to name some of one another’s food likes and dislikes; interestingly enough, they can usually give me a comprehensive list of food preferences without fail. I do this to illustrate the point that sexual turn-ons and turn-offs are something that most couples spend relatively little, if any, time discussing. As one woman laughingly pointed out, “It’s a lot easier to talk about food, and besides, we eat together way more often than we have sex!”

I totally get why couples who are deeply immersed in the early years of child-rearing might not converse much about one another’s sexual turn-ons and turn-offs. They are perpetually tired and leisure time is at a premium. As a result, intimacy tends to happen less often and be more scripted than it was pre-kids. Most people just assume that their partner’s preferences are the same as what they were before kids came along. 

The problem with this is that sexual turn-ons and turn-offs can, and often do, change over time. What each of you thought was erotic pre-children might be different than what you like now, and this will probably be different than what feels erotic to each of you five, ten, or even 20 years in the future.

Having a conversation with your partner about each of your sexual likes and dislikes is a great way to work smarter, not harder when it comes to feeling closer and more connected to your partner. If you are hesitant to have this conversation because you think you should already know this stuff, it’s not too late! Here are some tips to get you started…

1. For every one turn off, share five turn-ons. This helps keep the focus positive.  If you find yourself gravitating toward what you don’t like, try rewording it into a turn-on before you share it. For example, “I hate it when you touch my stomach” could be “It is a huge turn-on for me when you run your fingers through my hair.” 

2. Think about your five senses to help you come up with ideas about what turns you on. Some examples are: getting a foot massage from your partner; hearing a song that puts you in the mood; seeing your favorite actor/actress without their shirt on; the taste of a certain food or your’ partner’s body fluids; and the smell of your favorite soap, cologne, or perfume.  

3. Don’t rush. Take some time to come up with your individual lists of turn-ons and turn-offs and then come back together as a couple to go over them. 

4. When giving and receiving feedback, be sure to keep an open mind, be curious, and show your partner respect and compassion. Let each other know what you can do from the other’s list as well as anything that might be a hard limit for you. 

5. Put it into practice. Incorporating each of your turn-ons into your sexual repertoire not only adds novelty and variety to the mix but also leads to greater sexual desire and enjoyment. This doesn’t mean you have to do everything on both of your lists each time you are intimate; it just means it’s a good thing to sometimes change things up in ways you know your partner likes. Be sure to check in with one another periodically about how things feel and make adjustments as needed.

So here is this week’s takeaway: taking some time to learn more about your partner’s current sexual likes and dislikes and then adding them to the mix is a great tool for helping you make the most of your intimate time together.