3 Tips for Nurturing Your Partner Relationship
For all of you couples out there who are raising young children, here are 3 simple things you can do today to help strengthen your relationship with one another.
Tip #1: How you think about your partner matters.
Everyone is a perfectly imperfect person with their own unique combination of strengths and flaws. When relationships become strained, people often fall into the habit of focusing excessively, or even exclusively, on the negatives: what their partner isn’t doing enough of, what they are doing wrong, what has changed for the worse about them, and so on.
Take a few minutes every day to remind yourself of your partner’s positive behaviors and qualities. Doing this will help you have a more balanced view of your partner and generate more feelings of goodwill toward them.
Instead of using one-word descriptors, like he’s kind or she’s honest, dig deep and come up with some specific things. Maybe you like how she gets choked up every single time she watches the part in Despicable Me where Gru reads the kitten book to the girls. Or maybe you really appreciate how he takes his job seriously and works hard even though he doesn’t particularly like what he does for a living.
If you are having trouble coming up with some of your partner’s positive characteristics, here are some questions you can ask yourself to help get started…
What drew you to your partner back in the day?
What does your partner do that makes you smile or laugh?
What does your partner do that you admire or respect?
Tip #2: Good intentions will only take you so far.
Do you keep promising to plan a date night for the two of you but still haven’t done it yet? Or maybe your partner hasn’t got around to fixing the leaky bathroom faucet that’s driving you crazy even though they’ve been saying for the past month that they will take care of it? Couples raising young children sometimes struggle to keep their word. It’s not that they think following through isn’t necessary or important; it usually has more to do with feeling like there aren’t enough hours in the day, being tired, or just wanting to have a little time to zone out. The problem is that repeatedly not following through on what you say you are going to do, even if it is on small or seemingly unimportant things, will eventually undermine trust and cause a buildup of resentment between the two of you.
Make a point to do the things you tell your partner you are going to do. Having said this, no one is consistent 100% of the time. Sometimes things happen and you can’t follow through on your word for valid reasons. But not following through should be the exception, not the rule. If you can’t keep your word for some reason, talk with your partner and try to find another way to approach the situation that works for both of you.
If you are having trouble consistently following through, here are some questions you can ask yourself to help get started…
What thoughts and/or feelings are getting in the way of you following through?
What consequences, both positive and negative, might result if you don’t keep your word?
How would you feel if the roles were reversed and your partner did not follow through?
Tip #3: Your body language is worth a thousand words.
A shocking amount of our communication is done non-verbally, and the meaning of our words can change dramatically depending on our body language. Consider the phrase “What were you thinking?” If said with a smile, a gentle shake of the head, and a laughing tone of voice, it conveys good-natured exasperation or maybe mild frustration. But the exact same words instead convey intense displeasure and anger if said with a scowl, arms crossed over the chest and a harsh tone of voice. The same words can also convey indifference or be confusing if the non-verbal cues are very subtle or there are too few of them.
Use your non-verbal behaviors to help the two of you stay connected or bring you closer together rather than in ways that push you further apart. Make an effort to match your words and body language. It is perfectly fine for your non-verbals to express “negative” emotions, such as sadness, hurt, irritation, and anger; just make sure the intensity level is low enough that your non-verbals don’t drown out your words. On the flip side… if your non-verbals tend to be very subtle bordering on non-existent, make an effort to turn the intensity level up just a bit and/or share your internal thoughts and feelings so your partner can more easily understand the meaning of your words.
If you are having trouble effectively using your body language, here are some questions you can ask yourself to help get started…
What message are you trying to send with your words and body language?
Will your non-verbals encourage greater closeness or create more distance?
Is the intensity level too much, too little, or just right?